One of the hardest things that I have had to swallow is the fact that I may have a borderline mood disorder such as bipolar. I am a lot more open about my anxiety and depression, but I’m hoping that this blog helps me to speak openly about my bipolar as well.
When the psychologist told me that I could have bipolar, I cried. It has such an ugly stigma in society. I always knew I had anxiety and depression, but the bipolar shocked me. There are times when I recognize it more than other times in my life. The past few weeks I believe was my version of mania, and now I’m hitting my depression.
Now I am borderline bipolar, so my symptoms aren’t necessarily as extreme as others who suffer from it. I have been recognizing my form of mania. I usually will have a new project that I’m excited for and in this case it is my blog. I ran 100 miles per minute with it and couldn’t get enough. I was posting a lot and constantly texting my friend with questions who helped me start my blog. I am constantly retweeting follow trains and trying to gain more followers. It transferred to other parts of my life. I started a new food plan with Weight Watchers and using my Peloton bike every day. It felt good, and I convinced myself that I was going to lose weight in no time.
The smallest things, however, fuck with my mind. I lost 5 pounds, but then woke up one morning and found that I gained a pound. This happens with dieting, but I immediately started to hate myself. I felt my mood spiraling down already. I felt like a failure. It’s amazing how one little thing can mess up your whole mindset, but I guess that is the ugly truth of mental illness. Later on in the same day, I got a speeding ticket. It was completely my fault. That just added to my self-hatred. I went home and went to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I think naps are a great coping mechanism at times, but I just wanted to shut out the world. When I woke up from that nap, I felt worse than when I went to sleep. The depression deepened and I didn’t want to do anything. I forced myself to use the bike. That’s another one of my strategies. It helped a little, but not enough.
Why am I writing this post? It’s very depressing. I guess I’m writing to reflect on my mental illness. I’m writing to show that while coping strategies work a lot of the times for me, there are times when exercise and naps just don’t solve the problem. My medicine isn’t enough for me this week either. That’s the sad truth. I guess my new form of therapy is writing my blog, which is a positive coping strategy. I’ll add that to my list of strategies.
I talked about this in a previous post. I have to remind myself that I’ve been here before. I’ve felt terrible and hated myself. That’s part of my depression and bipolar. I need to remember that I don’t always feel this way. That will help me push through. I need to remember that it doesn’t always hurt this badly.